Chapter 32

Posted byniveditasenguptaPosted inUncategorized

Reaching out ….I am not alone !

I had begun having sleepless nights and small disappointments were causing discomfort in chest! No amount of reasoning was helping me! I reached out to my counselor…she arranged for a meeting soon and tried to understand my mixed thoughts. She helped me to connect with my feelings which were so vague! My observations and feelings seemed to be all messed up, I found it difficult to relate to her suggestions….Yes I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety disorder.
The symptoms were right there in front of me! I needed first aid…I needed medication!
On my way back from the session, I was relieved to get the formal diagnosis and at the same time, there was this strange feeling of….I failed… to stay sane, to take care of MYSELF!

I had a friend colleague who had suffered from this, since childhood and had shared her feelings and challenges with me once. I chose to approach her first, she is a very efficient, focused and sorted lady. I spoke to her, she heard me patiently… without asking too many questions! She convinced me to see the doctor and to start the medication without delay. My husband encouraged me to exercise and made the effort to accompany me for morning walks. I noticed that if busy and engrossed, I did not sulk or weep. When free and unoccupied fruitfully, I felt restless.
Since my face is quite expressive, lipstick and kajal could not hide my emotions well in workplace. Slowly I started opening up to a few colleagues I was working closely with, so that I did not need to lie or justify my feelings.

Doctor prescribed a low dose of antidepressant,  which would take sometime to take action. I continued with my daily routine of chanting, reading, walking/exercising, connecting with friends, learning library science with daugher! I made sure to take feedback from my colleagues  on my performance of professional work, on regular basis. I definitely did not want a dip in that area and then feel miserable, further! As always advised by my counselor, I continued with my daily journal which now was filled with my thoughts and observations, triggers and reactions….

I tried to be cautious of saying things to others fearing their response…felt apprehensive of comments like….
You worry too much….Don’t be so negative….you said this so many times already…Everything seems settled and good in your life now, so why do you worry???…..and ….Who doesn’t have problems in life? I did not answer these….had no answer and had no energy to think and reply!
It is their perspective and their way of helping me! They only meant good….but I needed to choose and pick stuff that would help me….HERE I WAS THE PRIORITY!

On the other hand, I had a whole lot of friends and colleagues who patted my back and said,
It had to happen…never  mind…you will sail through…
You are a wounded soldier, you have fought many battles, you need a break and you will recover….
Look at this as an ailment, get treated and get cured, do the needful….
Look at this as one of the many battles you fought….you will win!
Lots of strength to you…I have faith in you…you will be fine!
I have always looked up to you for strength…I know you will overcome this too….

I told myself…NO BIG DEAL 🙂 I will handle it!

“Always remember you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.” –Christopher Robin

6 thoughts on “Chapter 32”

  1. Bravo, Nivedita!!!
    To deal with this and to pen it down needs immense strength and courage.. this proves that you have both! A true inspiration for many of us 🌹🌹

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Nivedita you are few who have so much courage. Your spirit of facing challenges and learning from them is amazin. I look up to you for your strengths and grace. You are an amazing person.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Nivedita ma’am totally love the way you have expressed your feelings.Each word has such a deep meaning attached to it which touch the inner emotions.
    I feel proud to be connected as friends to a person who has so much strength and courage to share a difficult truth of her life. I must say that you are totally a incredible person who has fought with it with a smile on your face. Lots to learn from you. Hats off to you my friend.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Nivedita dearest,
    Not everyone has the courage to speak of mental health, the way you have. Its not easy. What you went through , the Rollercoaster emotional highs and lows was even more difficult, to accept and to work on the challenges they encompassed.
    You have written from the depths of your soul, and weaved your pain into words that touches our souls, every which way.
    The journey has always been one of challenges for you, and, every time you have walked through fire, stronger than steel and a force to reckon with.
    Knowing you has been a huge blessing and to have taught Medha is His grace, because at the end, you both taught me beyond the books and made me endeavor to be a better person.
    In gratitude….Dipannita

    Like

  6. Nivedita dearest,
    Not everyone has the courage to speak of mental health, the way you have. Its not easy. What you went through , the Rollercoaster emotional highs and lows was even more difficult, to accept and to work on the challenges they encompassed.
    You have written from the depths of your soul, and weaved your pain into words that touch our souls, every which way.
    The journey has always been one of challenges for you, and, every time you have walked through fire, you came out stronger than steel and a force to reckon with.
    Knowing you has been a huge blessing and to have taught Medha is His grace, because at the end, you both taught me beyond the books and made me endeavor to be a better person.
    In gratitude….Dipannita

    Like

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