Chapter 40

Discussion on death….it’s inevitable….why avoid talking about it?

My father always asked me to observe things around me when I was a little girl. He spoke about the clouds, how they change shapes which have different meanings to different people! He taught me to listen to the rainfall, which has the same source but makes different sounds on different surfaces. He explained, why we must thank the Lord for what we already have first before asking for more! While sitting on the grass in the park, he told me to look at the stars and find him if and when he is gone. Being a heart patient, probably he knew he had to prepare me…to cope better if he is gone early!

That day he left us. Everything happened too fast…he was feeling unwell; I, a nine year old, ran bare footed to another building! We did not have a phone at home. I climbed to 5th floor as fast as I could to reach the doctor’s apartment. He refused to see my father and I dont remember the reason, why. I ran back home even faster, to my relief he opened his eyes smiled and said, “Don’t worry”. I sat in front of our little temple with idols of Gods and Goddesses, begged for his life, till I heard my mother scream…I knew he had to leave!

Initially for any child with a single parent not earning, life is a huge challenge in addition to the acceptance of ‘father not returning ever’! Gradually you get toughened…you better do… though self pity does occur now and then! You learn to accept that life is difficult and different for some; eventually you stop asking ‘why?’ The answers are not mostly satisfactory….
Now am in the role of a parent of the child, who inspite of all the training and teaching cannot manage….after I am gone!

In the last 20 years we have trained her to stay without me for one day to a maximum of 4 days.  She always knows ‘mamma will come back’. In 2010, when I lost my father in law, I introduced her to the concept of ‘Going to
God. But after 2 years when she visited Kolkata, she went to her grandfather’s room looking for him! Over the years, am sure it has sunk in…. while seeing his pictures in an album she says, ‘Dada gone to God!’

I came here alone, will go back alone…planning to leave this world holding her hand seems impractical! Many years back, time and again I am advised by my mother and elders to take care of myself very well as I have to be around  for my children especially for her.
Hence I run to a doctor every time for the slightest illness!
A couple of friends would point this out and I realise that the confirmation ‘I am healthy and fit’ gives me immense pleasure.

While watching a movie once I noticed that she was observing a death scene carefully. I wondered if she was able to relate to a real life situation! I took the opportunity to explain a few clear facts about death:
1. When you die, you don’t breathe, move, talk or eat
2. The body is buried or burnt/ cremated.

3. The soul goes to God
4. It does not come back into the same body.

After a day or two, I told her casually ‘You are not listening to me, I am going…’ She grabbed my hand and said a loud ‘No’, ‘Mamma will not go to God!!!’
Surprised, I hugged her immediately and promised ‘No Shona, I will not…we will go to God together’ She said firmly ‘We will not go to God!’
I laughed aloud….

We cannot banish dangers, but we can banish fears. We must not demean life by standing in awe of death.” – David Sarnoff