My head reminds me often that she had lived her life; seen her grand daughter settle in the best way she could, grandson going to a good college! My heart still cries out… Maa but where are you?
All of us lose a parent in some point in life and go through this pain; we learn to bear the loss sooner or later, we accept gradually the void due to absence this important person. We get used to not receiving a message or a call from her anymore! Her concerned calls, “How long to reach home? Do you have stayback today? When will you sit with me?” Etc. etc.
I scroll through the old pictures and messages which take us back to the associated incidents…I either cherish them or repent doing or not doing something which I could have!
I learnt to forgive myself for missing to wish her Good Night for the LAST time on the previous night of her death. I was tired and felt lazy to go to her room….How I wished later that I did get up and go to her. On the initial days of losing Maa I would think hard unconsciously several ways of “How I wish I did this or said that…” Later I sat down and gave it a thought; even if I did all of that I would still not be able to hold her back!
During the last few months, I trained my mind to think in a different way instead! I am an adult and have been a doting daughter to my mother. With all my best intentions and love for her, I would have done everything I could and I wanted to… at that point of time. So I would have given my best, tried my hardest, done whatever possible then for sure.
I miss her and will continue to do so. I will try to fill the BIG missing piece of the puzzle with memories and loving thoughts. I will heal my heart and console my soul with the affirmation:
“She is out of Physical pain”
When some of my friends and family tried to say these words soon after my loss, I wanted to run away from them. Then nothing mattered, no words helped as I wanted to grieve and grieve. I spoke and wrote to her, sharing my doubts and questions knowing there would be no answer….
Now I question and answer myself…heart laments and head listens. My soul cries and mind consoles me…such is LIFE.
“I know in my head that she has gone. The only difference is that I am getting used to the pain. It’s like discovering a great hole in the ground. To begin with, you forget it’s there and keep falling in. After a while, it’s still there, but you learn to walk ‘round it.” — Rachel Joyce
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